


You Treat Death Like an Old Friend

by simbascrawls



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death, Everything Hurts, Fluff and Angst, Inner Dialogue, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Listen I just had some thoughts and this happened, M/M, Sort Of, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-03-04 02:10:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13354302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simbascrawls/pseuds/simbascrawls
Summary: He lives like he's invincible, but deep down he knows he's not.Jim knows that death is coming for him. He knows that he's going to face the grim reaper one day and that day could very well be soon, but he can't stop what he's doing because he loves it. Loves the thrill and how his heart races and how alive it makes him feel.Then there are the times when someone's in trouble. His life then becomes something that doesn't matter. It becomes something that is just a tool to save everyone else. It becomes disposable because he doesn't care about himself. He cares about everyone else and he will save them all.All because Jim isn't the person that thinks 'I'm going to save everyone or die trying'. No. He's the man that thinks 'I'm going to save everyone or die doing it'.





	1. Always Bones

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, this started as a drabble, so what it may or may not turn into is completely up in the air, but i have a lot of emotions.

Jim isn't the person that thinks 'I'm going to save everyone or die trying'. No. He's the man that thinks 'I'm going to save everyone or die doing it'.

He's done it before, he'll do it again.

It's something that both Bones and Spock have long since noticed, Bones sooner still due to the time spent in the academy together. All he has to do is close his eyes and he remembers with glaring clarity the reality of Jim burning himself from both ends.

There weren't as many lovers as others might think, not as many nights spent wrapped in some faceless fling's arms. Instead they were mostly spent with Jim's head buried in a book, eyes gaining dark circles to highlight the blue from lack of sleep. He can so clearly recall Jim muttering to himself that he would prove himself to Pike, everyone else and his own body's needs be damned.

Bones got use to dragging him to bed, to the feel of his warm body against his in slumber because he just slept better that way... And if his old heart ached for more, nobody had to know.

Nobody had to know the broken sides of the man with the smile brighter than the sun. Nobody got to see him curled up into a ball as he trembled with the aftershocks of night terrors he couldn't control or when flashbacks had him retching his lunch onto the bushes behind the cafeteria. Nobody had to hear his broken cries from behind a closed door where he thought nobody could hear every year on his birthday.

Nobody would know that Jim secretly seemed to be best friends with death and it was only a matter of time before they met.

Only Bones.

For so long that's what Bones knows, Jim being the greatest friends with Death and the stories that he'll get out of him late at night when there's booze heavy on his breath, he learns that maybe that's the first friend the golden and beautiful before him had ever known.

"It's like everyone just always ties me to his death, Bones." The blond slurs out with his head pressed to the older man's shoulder instead of sitting up like he had been not too long ago, but Bones never once can think to complain. Instead, he wraps an arm around the other man and just listens.

"Like I was born into the middle of destruction and that's all I'll ever be... just useless, gross, destruction. I mean, look at what happened at Tarsus when I went there."

Bones remembers holding back a grimace at that, recalling how long it took him to get Jim to even mutter a single syllable about that horrid planet and what he had to do. It helps him know what to do when the attacks get the better of Jim, even when he tries to power through them. It helps because Bones can hold him even if it's not something he can fix. He can at least make sure the man he knows he loves doesn't shatter into a thousand pieces.

That's just what he did then, wrapping arms so tight around the other that it couldn't have been comfortable, but he could more so feel than hear the stuttering sigh that left Jim at the contact and feeling of safety that Bones had by then learned the other man craved.

"Now you listen here," He remembers so keenly how his tone had been gentle even as he'd let it sound like his usual griping. "None of that horseshit is your fault, that was something out of your hands and I don't want you to ever blame yourself for something like that, okay? I know, I damn well fucking know it's not easy, but it ain't your fault, Jim, it never was and it never will be."

The silence that followed worried that doctor, but he had held on, just like he always would to the wildfire ride that was James Tiberius Kirk in hands that refused to shake because he, himself, refused to lose him.

It was also why when those baby blues looked up at him, he ignored the delicate flutter of his own heart and gave the man one of his signature scowls and pressed a finger to his forehead.

"You're one reckless bastard, but you would never do something that would hurt somebody else, I know you, Jim, and I've been here for all the nightmares and times you've thrown up. I know you did your damnedest."

There such a quiet snort that came from the man besides Bones that he almost didn't hear it, but he did, and he knew that he'd gotten through. At least a little bit, if not all the way. Jim had heard him.

"You say that like it's easy like you don't also have issues."

He remembers so keenly the way that he scoffed at that, the way he had looked at the man and shook his head.

"Jim, I am a divorced old man, of course I'm damaged goods. I know it's not easy."

For a long moment, Jim had just looked at him and then leaned into him, causing him to take a breath and ignore how much he wanted to lock his arms around his best friend and never let go -- but he couldn't. That wasn't who Jim was, he wasn't the type of man to stay. Maybe for a friend, maybe for his best friend he would always swing his arm around his shoulders and grin at him like the fucking sun and nearly blind him. But not for romance, he didn't do that, he didn't like the possibles, the messes, and he was always moving. Lightning fast and a blazing star burning everything and everyone that got too close...

Bones knew he couldn't be Icarus, couldn't get too close to what he couldn't have and would have to stay his friend. That it would have to be enough and in so many ways it was, but when Jim pulled back to look at him with such intensity, so close and so very... Jim and muttered an almost unheard "You're not damaged goods, Bones, never damaged goods... you're my Bones, always."

Well, that just wasn't fair because it did things to Bones even after the blond had fallen asleep on Bones' bed while clinging to his pillow and the older man's fingers in his hair to hush him to sleep. It wasn't fair, but his life never was, it never had been.

And neither had Jim's, so instead of getting angry over it or grumping, he simply leaned forward and kissed the top of the blond man's head reverently and whispered softly into golden strands.

"Yeah, Darlin, I'll always be your Bones."


	2. Always Spock

Spock once saw no value in one human named James Tiberius Kirk. He had seemed arrogant and stubborn. Hacking his way into a solution of test that Spock has designed -- brilliant in a way, but illogical and breaking the rules of a test designed to prepare one for a command that may one day lead into a situation in which there was no way to win. No way to survive, even. It had been such a blatant display of disrespect ---

However, it had been clever, specific to the test itself. A way of thinking outside the box that Spock has never considered -- or, in other words, expected someone to successfully pull off.

Yes, at one point he thought his now captain to be unfit for such a position.

Vulans did not lie and it was only logical to admit fault when one was wrong.

And Spock had been wrong.

He had been wrong in not taking the blond human's advice in the conflict with Nero, he had been wrong in ever thinking that he should take place on Vulcan when it place was on the Enterprise. He had been wrong when he had tried to be honest with Pike as to the way the mission had gone, Spock could admit to all of this.

Because a Vulcan did not lie.

And Spock had been wrong about many things when it came to one James Tiberius Kirk. The most illogical, brilliant, bright, and loyal human that Spock had ever met. He would never find himself desiring to be a part from him.

He has seen Jim burn himself from both ends, has seen him memorize every name of every person on his ship, has seen him run into danger without a thought, has seen him crumble as he watched his own father figure die.

Spock was there when Jim told him that his own mother had died in Nero's attack, had been there when he knelt down at her grave and told him that she would be happy to die in space. He had stood next to him when he almost lost his best friend.

And he had watched him die.

That was how he knew, logically, that Jim was a brilliant human, an amazing man, and an outstanding captain.

And Spock was completely and utterly in love with him.

There had been arguments for logic, for Starfleet restrictions, but all it took was a night of chess, sat across from this brilliant man to learn that he was being illogical in denying it.

"You have no strategy." Had come Spock's voice, eyes on the game before him.

"No strategy that you can guess." The words came with a grin. Distracting, but pleasant.

Spock captured one of Jim's pieces and the human laughed.

"You find your impending loss amusing, Captain?"

"I think it's funny that you seem frustrated that you can't figure me out -- and I told you, off-duty, Spock, just call me Jim."

"Very well, Jim, Vulcans do not get frustrated." But he still did not know the other man's strategy, even have exactly 87 completed games. Currently, Spock was winning by 2, but that seemed very likely to change in the next few moments.

"You can say that all you want, but you're easier to read than you think." Jim was smiling, though, brighter than the sun and Spock felt as though his heart melted.

"I find that to be highly unlikely." Jim had captured his Rook and was too close to his King for comfort.

"Just because I'm illogical and a human doesn't mean I can't read my Vulcan officer."

His Vulcan officer.

The wording had the Vulcan pausing, moving his piece recklessly in what ended up being a move of surrender to Jim's Knight. A piece that would have likely taken him on the next move, anyway.

"I did not say that."

"Uh-huh. Sure you didn't. You know you love me and my strange human ways."

Spock could not argue as Jim grinned at him, Victory glowing in his blue eyes that Spock was sure he could become lost in. However, he knew Jim was better with friends, never claiming desire for a committed relationship. So, he took this, took the brilliant shine of Jim's smile during chess matches and the warmth of his hand when it squeezed his shoulder.

The summery breeze of the blond's mind fluttering against his shields was always a relief, a breath of fresh air that he did not know how to describe. It would be alright, he could live with this and as he had watched Jim stand and grab one of the old movies that he loved so much to invite the Vulcan to settle in and watch with him... he knew that this was something he would always cherish.

Even without the mental bonds, T'hy'la was precious, Jim was precious and Spock would spare him any pain that he could. Not for lack of trust in handling himself. Instead because he simple wished that Jim only ever smile. There was too much pain he had seen, too much heartache already that curled around his captain in dark moments that Spock willed away the best he knew how.

But he knew that he would never leave him.

Should his feelings never be returned, he would still cherish these moments as Jim fell asleep to the movie, his head falling to the side and resting on Spock's shoulder. His mind crept with nightmares, Spock running gentle fingers over his temple, a shallow thing, no breach, no privacy violated. A simple touch to drive away the nightmares. It was the least he could do for all the light that he brought into his life.

"Yes, Ashayam, I do and always shall. Sleep, I shall be here when you wake."

Romance was not all there was, those that thought otherwise were illogical. Spock would cherish this man without it for as long as he was able to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not sure what this is, but likely there will only be one more chapter.


	3. Always Jim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, last chapter. This was never really meant to be a story. It's more me rambling about these three having feelings.

Some days, Jim feels like he's a supernova. Burning bright and catching all the attention in all the right and wrong ways, front and center whether he wanted or not. It was how it had been from when he was child, born in the middle of destruction and the creation of a hero now dead and a man that he would never meet. It was a weight that he could see in the eyes of everyone, in the way his mother couldn't look him in the eye for too long for years, and he stills sees it now. When he self destructs, it doesn't take people's eyes away, it doesn't dim that glory that other people see.

The only thing is that supernova's destroy everything around them. It's a concept he knows too well and it's something that he's done way too often. He's pushed people away, never able to stay in one place for very long because he was a man that needed to move, needed to try to keep running to out run his mistakes.

Maybe to outrun his father's shadow.

Certainly to outrun the memories that haunted him. Frank. His mother's drinking. Tarsus. Everything.

At first he had thought that it would be the same with them, both Bones and then Spock. It was only a matter of time, but Bones stuck stubborn and Jim's grin got more and more true as time went on. They started spending nights curled together in the same bed and Jim's nightmares waned... they didn't leave, they would likely never leave, but they calmed. As though they had been charmed just as much as he had been by the cantankerous southern man. It just seemed that they fit well together, it was why Jim could never push it over that line. He could never be as close to Bones as he sometimes wanted to be, it just wasn't possible.

He only did one night stands, he wasn't one for romantic inclinations. He never had been, never would be... but he did care for Bones more than he cared for anyone else he could ever think of.

It was something foreign and frightening and he never allowed himself to act upon it, refusing to ruin what could have been the best thing ever to happen to him because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Or keep his heart in his chest, he supposed.

So that was how his academy years had been passed, repressing what could have been only the strong feelings he had for his friend that seemed different than just friendship even as they came in waves and sudden bursts that he couldn't predict.

Maybe that was payback for all the times he had done things that Bones couldn't predict, but he didn't think it was very fair.

Then, of course, had come Spock and he had been the most infuriating and irritating person he had never met. Still was, sometimes, but now Jim had learned to appreciate it to a degree that he hadn't been able to do in the past when they had first met. Now he knew it as a challenge and it really was one that he was more than happy to meet head on, to meet him head to head like he had everything else that ever tried to get in his way.

The only thing, was that Spock wasn't in his way. He was at his side. Just like Bones.

Which was how he realized the same fluctuation of feelings hit him with Spock just as it did with Bones and that was when he knew for a fact that he had a really, really big problem.

All his life, love had been something that he had feared as well as had no interest in. His mother had lost his father and it had nearly broke her beyond repair. Then, when maybe she could have been healing, she ended up with a man who didn't deserve her and was the one responsible for many of Jim's scars. Both mentally and physically.

He never wanted that to happen to him, never wanted to relive the life that she had...

And more importantly, he never wanted to be the cause for it in regards to someone else.

It would be his biggest regret if he ever did, which was something that he hadn't even realized he had almost caused when he had died. Not until he looked at both of them, both Bones and Spock afterward and while Jim was so good at reading people... he had been someone as oblivious as anyone could be.

However, he was still scared and it still wasn't fair.

He knew his whole life would be spent in space, he would probably die on the Enterprise, it was simply how he knew his life would go. It was hard to imagine anything else, but he also knew that it was unfair to ask for them both. And he couldn't choose.

No matter what the situation was.. he would never be able to choose between Spock or Bones, that was the simple truth of the matter and he thought that it would leave it to forever go on that way.

If ever asked, he would let them down, let them go. Even if it would hurt.

That day, however, never came as one day he walked into his quarters only to find both of his leading officers waiting for him. Both were key on talking, that much was obvious, but Jim didn't know about what. Everything had been settled already that day, there was nothing left unfinished to his knowledge.

But then Bones took his hand, twined their fingers together and looked like he was jumping after Jim over a cliff once more. As he had done before and would do again and again and again. Just as Spock would also, the Vulcan surprising him even further by taking his hand as well.

The day was not what he expected when suddenly Bones said, "Jim, I think we have all been rather clueless around here."

"Indeed. It would seem that you might have taken note of both of our interest despite our best efforts to avoid it."

"And been avoiding us, which is stupid as hell, sugar."

"I would have to agree with the doctor. Thus, we have both discussed the matter."

"You don't have to choose between us, Jimbo, you never did. We both love you and just want you to be happy."

Jim didn't know what to say, his voice gone and not noticing the tears that began to well in his eyes until they were already falling and both men had their arms around him.

"Don't worry, Jim, we'll figure this out, together, okay?"

Swallowing thickly, the captain nodded and thought for once maybe love wasn't so bad.

"I will make us some food."

"To think I would be agreeing with the hobgoblin twice in one day. You really do need to eat."

The both of them bickered a bit then, over what would be best, and Jim laughed because it wasn't even really bickering now. And he thought that, yeah, maybe he had been wrong about needing to choose when they had both been right there all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I might turn this vague idea into a full fanfic, but that day is not today. Sorry for the rambling fanfic, hope you guys who decided to read and stay for the ending found something good about it.


End file.
